


we burned in winter, we rose in darkness (and then i lost you)

by ernyx



Series: BuckyNat fics (for ease of finding) [10]
Category: Marvel, Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, Arranged Marriage, Cryofreeze (Marvel), Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, F/M, Heartbreak, James deserves better, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Red Room (Marvel), Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:07:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28792182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ernyx/pseuds/ernyx
Summary: She has been told that her mission is her everything, but they are wrong. He is her everything, he is her heart when they told her she had none, he is her soul’s salvation even though the Red Room had rendered her hollow. She could die in an instant for him, live a thousand lifetimes for him, anything at all, as long as he remained hers. She would always be his.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Series: BuckyNat fics (for ease of finding) [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/931989
Kudos: 15





	we burned in winter, we rose in darkness (and then i lost you)

**Author's Note:**

> crossposted from my tumblr -   
> ghostasset asked: [ Nepakartojama ] (Lithuanian) - ‘Unable to repeat’; a perfect situation which will never happen again.

It is **three** days before the end of an era, and Natalia feels freer than she has in the last two decades. Her life has been struggle and heartbreak and she’s finally found a place that she can fly. The two of them — the Black Widow and the Winter Soldier — are an unstoppable team, and the only thing that beats the high of a successful mission is the high of being able to finish it with a kiss. 

They tumble together, sweet and _illicit_ , hiding in alcoves, climbing in through each other’s windows, _laughing_ in places where they cannot be heard. 

She has been told that her _mission_ is her everything, but they are wrong. **He** is her everything, he is her heart when they told her she had none, he is her soul’s salvation even though the Red Room had rendered her hollow. She could die in an instant for him, live a thousand lifetimes for him, anything at all, as long as he remained hers. She would _always_ be his. 

In the moment, the world coalesces into something **beautiful**. It is **perfect.**  
_She is found, she is found, she is found._

They love with reckless abandon, and it is that recklessness which the KGB has to tame. 

It is **two** days before the end of an era, and Natalia has just been told that she is to marry Alexei Shostakov. He is an ace pilot, a hero, someone their whole country can look up to. She should be _honored_ , they tell her. And she is... _grateful_ that they think so highly of her, and she greets him politely, but her heart (that she should not have) is **elsewhere**. 

She goes to see James that night, explains what is being asked of her, and he... 

He says she should. He knows that they’ll destroy her for disobedience, and his priority is her safety. After all, what is a heart if its owner is dead? But she cannot take it, the thought of him being a stranger once again makes her feel like someone has tied lead to her feet and dropped her into the ocean. She _cannot_ , and she protests and proposes that they run away, and whispers outlandish things, but he is steadfast. 

_Perhaps_ , she thinks, letting her heart break just a little, _he does not want me as much as I want him. Perhaps I was foolish to think that we could make this work out. After all, we are but tools to be wielded. Our individual wants are meaningless_. 

She returns to her supervisors (her captors, her demons) —  
— and agrees to the marriage.  
As if she really ever had a choice. 

It is **one** day before the end of an era, and though she knows she shouldn’t, she spends it in the arms of the man she thought she’d live and die with. She spends it with James because this will be the last inkling of love she feels for a very long time. She knows this, she hates this, but she cannot will herself to let go without a proper goodbye. 

If they are spotted, she does not care. She will be obedient from tomorrow onwards. 

They are spotted, and it is disastrous. 

It is the **end of an era** , and Natalia walks into the room where the meeting has been called. It’s little more than a fancy warehouse, with machinery and some sort of lab tucked away in the corner. The lights are low, and it’s unusually empty. There are alarm bells in her head, because even if she’s being disciplined, she’s fairly sure that it won’t come as a physical attack. Her handlers know better than that — and presumably don’t have a death wish. 

She walks in, and an eerie bluish light is coming from the corner. She is curious, and hasn’t been explicitly told not to explore, so she goes to look and... 

Her heart nearly stops. 

“ **James.** ” The word is choked out, her eyes wide, her body hunched as if she’s been punched in the stomach. “ **What have they done to you?** ” He is motionless in a tube, frosted over. She’s _heard_ of cryostasis before, but she’s never seen it and... this must be her punishment. This must be what they wanted her to see. She’s not **allowed** to have a heart, to be anything but a weapon, because if she does, people will suffer on her behalf. The only people she ever cares about will face pain, trauma, destruction because of her. 

The message is loud and clear.  
She lets her heart freeze, and her gaze shutters.

**She has work to do.**


End file.
